Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Sorry it Took So Long Baby

Sorry for the long down time peeps. Got busy (of course), little laziness and had to get my head around this issue. I wanted to do something special for this special lady of mine who over christmas had to be put to sleep after 14 beautiful years together. Not a day goes by that I either regret my decision or talk myself into feeling it was for the better. I hated how it went down in the end and it was not a graceful sleep like I had envisioned it would be.

My wife and I both had cats going into our marriage and we decided if one had to be put down then they would both have to go. We had issues with feces and urine on the third floor of our house and it was getting out of hand and we were not sure which one was doing it. It could have been both cats. My wife's had back hip problems and could barely move while mine was going a bit more mental than usual. We held off for over 3 months before we finally decided the issue was too much and we were cleaning on a daily basis and when you have to wash and disinfect kids toys/clothing or just toss them out due to the issue it becomes a health issue. We chose the kids and our health, of course, but knew this wasn't going to be easy on us.

Let me go back by first giving my memories of my little girl, and I call her that because she was truly the cat that was wholly mine that I had to care for and I likened her to my child. When I was living in Calgary (I had moved her to a mild nervous breakdown due to bad relationship and had to leave or hurt myself further) I had decided to get a companion as I had just lost another cat to this same break-up and wanted/needed something in my life that would love me unconditionally. I had gone to the pet store and picked out the cat and was told to wait the 8 days or whatever it was so they could give her the shots and checkups needed and so I did that. The ay I went to pick her up they handed me this cat and at first glance all seemed well and off I went home. I got home let the kitten out and realized this cat has a broken tail and it isn't the one I had picked out. I phoned the pet store and they said "You.... don't want the cat?" I said that it wasn't the one I had picked out and that it's tail was broken at the base. They said that I could bring it back and switch it but I remembered when I went in that this was the only cat coloured similar to the one I had picked out and the rest were either black or white. I said I would keep her as I couldn't just throw away a kitten as my home would be her home and I would love her. The tail it turns out had been broken and would forever be bent to the side but it could never be fixed and as long as I didn't pull it too hard to anything she was fine and not in any discomfort. I still remember my first night with her - she must have been a bit young as she tried to suck on my nipple while I was asleep! It was funny as hell when it happened, I remember I was asleep and felt her clawing her way up the side of the bed and go under the covers and then felt her by my armpit/chest and all of a sudden a bite on my nipple! and again! and then she was trying to suck! it lasted all of 3 seconds and I laughed/yelped so hard she ran away for most of the night hiding. It is a memory I will never forget of her.

She quickly earned her name and she became my Chasie. She had some weird quirks that I absolutely loved. She had this thing of sitting on my shoulder and going around the apartment with me and would sit there as long as I let her. She loved my brother's stinky socks and would often pull them out of his laundry hamper and place them in front of the TV downstairs and sleep til I came home work. She was little and always a bit crazy and her nervous energy made it so she was never more than 5-6 lbs even up to the end but she was happy and healthy. She had the cutest paws with white fur and had pink pads with a few brown spots that I loved. Her eyes always looked right into me and she knew when to come around and when to stay away. She drooled and kneeded me constantly. She loved how I petted her with my foot in bed and would often snuggle into my armpit at night and keep me warm. I have all these fond, great memories of her and I feel like I let her down on the day it came to an end.

It was not graceful for my baby and I will never forget it. We had a nice vet lady who lives out of the city who does house visits and she did come in for this but I regret it every single day and wish I made a different choice not to do it or at least see if the issue would stop if only one of them were put down. She was terrified, confused and angry at me for letting this happen to her. I hated that when she was given the tranquilizers that she wet herself and was soaked in urine. I hated how she was terrified and angry and growled at me after before she was paralyzed. I hated that the last thoughts she had were of terror and pain. I hated that as I held her waiting for the tranq to fully settle in she bit my arm in one last movement she had and her eyes looked into me wide and scared. I hated how I let her down and hated myself for letting this happen. I hated how when it was time to bring her downstairs and I had to pick her up her arms shot straight out in terror and were locked in that position. I will never forget the sound of the blood vessel popping and filling the needle full of blood and me breaking down as I knew she was gone. I hated how when her heart made the last beat that her eyes were open. I hated I had to wrap her up in the towel but that was all I could do as I broke down and fell to the floor so I am grateful my wife had the strength to do what I couldn't and carry her those last 10 feet to be taken away to be cremated. I never asked for the ashes back as I needed to have the closure.

Chasie you will never be forgotten and 14 years was not long enough but you forever left a mark on me and brought me out of the darkness I was in and saved me. I only wish I could have given you a graceful passing instead of what happened. You saved me but I hurt you in the end....I am sorry....I will never let you go from my memory...I love you.

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